The thought of getting a tattoo used to be repellent to me. I never understood why people would put something so permanent on their skin, and inevitably end up regretting it.
I have always been a rule follower. That’s why I did so well in school as a kid. I did exactly as the teachers asked, and I was good at knowing what was expected of me. So, I put all my energy into meeting expectations, and exceeded them when I felt confident enough. But when I was left to set my own expectations, I always worried that I was either investing too much energy into a project, or worse – not enough – which, in my mind, would lead to disappointing those who thought highly of me.
My fear of disappointing people started as a kid, and has followed me into adulthood. I still worry about how coworkers perceive me as a person – if I’m likable, appear confident and competent. I hope that the work I do pleases people, at work and at home, and I worry that it gets in the way of my own enjoyment.
Likewise, my reverent regard for following rules which I developed as a kid has remained a part of who I am now. So much so that if I am left to write my own rules, I feel paralyzed. I perform best when other people define clear expectations and timelines. When it is up to me to define my own regiment, I easily get distracted and lose focus.
So, I view getting a tattoo as a (small) way to break away from the “rules” that I have adhered to my whole life. It would force me to acknowledge my own insecurities. I could end up regretting it – There are worse mistakes I could make. People might think it is foolish of me – It’s not their decision.
I want to do it because it is my own decision and no one else gets to sway my decision. People I care about might think it is unlike me, or unbecoming – but that’s the point. This seems like a relatively harmless act of rebellion and self identity, so I respectfully ask them to get over it. It’s not like I’m proposing a full sleeve. We’re talking small here, and easily covered. Ankle is the top contender.
I also have an arguably unreasonable fear of aging, but I don’t feel like there is much for me to explain there, aside from eventually losing physical abilities. Hence, the aforementioned pre-thirty timeline. Gotta do it while I’m still young.
Now – what should I get tattoed? Pictured below is my current inspiration. No, I’m not kidding.
